Jumbled Thoughts

29Feb08

What does it mean to really live life?

It means giving yourself to everything that happens, and never thinking. Never thinking, should I be doing this? Is this right? What will happen if I do this? What will happen if I don’t do this?

It means trusting the universe. It means trusting yourself, your instincts. It means trusting that you don’t have to know everything that’s going to happen, or why, or why things that happened happened. It means seeing life as…well, full of choices, and many paths, big and wide instead of “right” path or “wrong” path. Why am I so scared to live?

Read books. Study. Learn. Give, love, talk, share, travel, explore, see, experience, sing, dance, hope, laugh, care, cry, paint, write, feel. There’s so much to life, so much to do. Why do we waste time thinking? Why do we waste time contemplating, debating, wondering, pondering, making sure we don’t make the wrong decision? Why are we so ingrained to make the right choices? What if there are no right choices? I’m sure there are healthy choices versus unhealthy choices, but – God doesn’t judge us, right? I don’t believe He does. He lets us make our own choices. He gives us freedom. He watches us. Loves us. Wonders, what is he going to do next? What is she going to choose this time? Aren’t we interesting, fascinating, unpredictable to Him? Unless we become unpredictable – habits based on fear keep us stuck, make us choose the same choices over and over…I don’t want fear anymore! I want…to live. To really live. Why fear? Why hesitate? Why hold back? What could we possibly lose? We lose so much when we waste time, when we hold back ourselves, when we hold back our heart. I’ve been holding back my heart. Because I believe it’s not good enough? Because I’m afraid of my power? Because I don’t trust or believe in my ability to love?

I have been wasting so much time not loving, not giving, not living. I have been wasting so much time! Like, the last three years have been such a waste! Okay, so I’ve learned a lot. I’ve learned a lot about what not to do. Now it’s time to do what I know to do. That is, live, really live. To not other people’s limits on themselves limit me. If necessary, to disassociate myself with them…but what if they are my parents? How do you draw the line between not taking your parents’ dramas and issues personally, and cutting off your heart from them? My parents have issues I find myself inheriting, and I want to cut it off and start on a clean slate. I don’t want to have anything to do with my parents’ struggles. They’re not my struggles, are they? Or are they? I have to overcome these things, so that my children won’t have to deal with them. This might look like my parents’ battle, but it’s actually mine. I’ve inherited it, okay. I have to accept that. Now I have to do something about it, instead of trying to throw it back in my parents’ faces, because that won’t work. They won’t take it. Parents can never see how much they mess up their children because their heads are so full of their own problems…sigh. But it’s time for me to grow up and do something about these stupid issues instead of trying to run from them. I may not be able to clear up my parents’ problems, or make them happy, but I can clear up my own issues, make myself happy, be the person I want to be, be successful, live the life I want to live…it’s hard to give yourself the things your own parents don’t give themselves! It’s hard! Do we really live in a world where everyone’s waiting to to be given the things they want, instead of getting for themselves? Including love, money, happiness, confidence, fulfillment, laughter, excitement? How much am I really waiting for someone else to give me the things I want? Am I miserable because I’m waiting for my parents to give me permission to be happy and successful and confident, and I’m waiting for my friends to give me a better self-image, and I’m waiting for my future husband to make me feel I’m beautiful and desireable, and am I waiting for God to make my life amazing and solve all my problems? Will none of these things come – because I have the power to give every single one of these things to myself?

I think the truth is, I have the power to give myself everything I need. But I’m almost afraid of being self-sufficient because then, what would I need other people for? Would I become…out of touch with people, because I don’t want anything from them? I almost feel selfish thinking…I could give myself everything. It makes me ask the question…Do I deserve it? Because if I have the power to give everything I need to myself, then it stands to reason that I haven’t been giving it to myself because I don’t believe I deserve it. Hm…which means that even if other people tried to give me those things, I wouldn’t accept it. I wouldn’t be able to receive it. How foolish could I have been! Damn.

I really need time to think about this whole “I can give myself everything I need and I don’t need to wait for or expect or need other people to give me the things I need” thing. It’s pretty huge. Really. It’s awesome though…And I really thing it’s true…God! I really hope…You can help me out with this one. How can I give myself all the things I need? This is the question I really want answered. Thank You!

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